Love Island | What It’s Like To Be Aromantic And Asexual
It’s Pride Month! You know what that means?
My second annual Medium-versary! That’s right: Two years ago, on June 12th, I posted my very first editorial here!
…wait, it’s been TWO YEARS?!
That… feels illegal. Seriously, I can’t believe how much has changed since then.
Anyway, I know it’s been a while since I’ve uploaded, but I just realized that. And while you should know by now that I don’t care all that much for Pride Month or any similar month, I’d be a fool to waste an opportunity to pat myself on the back for coming this far.
So instead of talking about other people, as I’ve been doing a lot for the past few major pieces I’ve written, how about I take some time to talk about myself?
I believe I’ve previously stated that I identify as aromantic and asexual. And honestly, I couldn’t be happier that I’m probably not the first person on the Internet you’ve heard of with this specific sexuality (yes, I saw the Jaiden Animations video, it was awesome). But for those of you who want to hear my perspective specifically, I’m happy to oblige.
First, some definitions:
Asexual: experiencing little or no sexual attraction to others
Aromantic: experiencing little or no romantic attraction to others
NOTE: Asexuality and aromanticism are both spectrums. Variations on these exist, such as “demisexual” and “demiromantic”, where certain feelings are dormant or inactive until a connection has already been established. However, I am writing solely from the perspective of somebody with no sexual or romantic feelings whatsoever to anybody of any gender or sex.
But wait! There’s more!
Romantic Attraction: a combination of physical, sexual, and emotional feelings toward someone
Sexual Attraction: an intense desire for intimate sexual contact with others of the same or different genders
Emotional Attraction: a desire for closeness or connection that may not include any physical contact
Aesthetic Attraction: feelings of admiration for a person’s appearance without any physical, sexual, or romantic desires toward them
Physical Attraction: the desire for physical contact but not in a sexual or romantic context
And yes, that was all necessary.
Because even some people who are capable of grasping the concepts of homosexuality, bisexuality, pansexuality, and so on, can’t seem to grasp the concept of having no attraction whatsoever.
And you know what? That’s fine. It was a little hard for me to grasp at first, too. But that was several years ago when I first found out about asexuality as a concept, so I think I’m getting the hang of it now.
First, let’s run down a brief list of some questions I know you have.
Spotlight: FAQs About Asexuality And Aromanticism
Aren’t those the same thing?
No. We, uh, just went over this. Romantic and sexual attraction are often linked and align with each other in the context of the way a person identifies, but they are not the same.
Can you reproduce asexually?
No, that’s a totally different definition of the word.
Were you sexually abused as a kid?
No. I mean, I’m sure some asexuals were, and since we don’t know for sure how sexual/romantic orientations develop, that may or may not factor into how some people (not all, but some) came to consider themselves asexual, but that wouldn’t make it less of a valid sexual orientation even if that was the case.
So you’re just a prude?
Me? You’re kidding, right?
But I’m sure that alone won’t satisfy you, so let’s go to the beginning.
The Past
When I was growing up, I couldn’t quite grasp the concept of romance. Other kids my age had crushes on each other, so being the social chameleon I was I would just say I had a crush on this boy or that boy. In reality, I either didn’t care about them or maybe I just wanted to be their friend.
But boys and girls being friends with each other was out of the question; at least, it was if I didn’t want to be teased by adults saying “ooooh, is that your BOYfriend?”. Even as a kid I hated drawing attention to myself, so I stuck to female friends only (and even that was hard, but for different reasons).
Seriously, if you’re an adult who makes every male-female relationship between children romantic, stop it. Just stop. You have caused so much pain to so many people.
Even as I grew up, from elementary school to middle school to high school, I never experienced what most people designate as “romantic feelings”, at least what I understand they are supposed to feel like.
I had heard that when you get to a certain age, you might look at somebody and think they’re attractive in a way that makes you want to kiss them, and when you get even older you might look at somebody and think they’re attractive in a way that makes you want to have sex with them, and that these feelings are supposed to manifest as thoughts and fantasies specifically about the person you’re attracted to.
But looking back, I never had those. I just looked at people and thought “hey, that person is attractive” or “hey, I really like being friends with this person”. Sometimes I subconsciously convinced myself that these feeling were romantic or sexual because that’s what I was “supposed to” be feeling.
If this all sounds too wordy, keep in mind that if you’re not aromantic or asexual, what I’m describing is what you feel but haven’t been able to put into words.
See, we as the human race have a pretty common understanding of what “blue” and “red” look like, and what “hot” and “cold” feel like, and how to distinguish those things from each other, so we know what we’re talking about when we use those words to describe things to each other. So all my understanding of how romantic and sexual attraction is supposed to feel comes entirely from hearing another people describe it (after all, I am also on the autism spectrum, so I generally lack “instinct” and “common understanding” without having it drilled into my head).
That said, I still knew what a healthy relationship in general was supposed to look like. I always knew that whether you’re friends with somebody, or dating them, or whatever, a good relationship is one where people care about each other, encourage each other, and share the same core values.
Now, growing up I never knew the words “aromantic” and “asexual”. I just kind of assumed something was different about me, but it should be noted that I never considered myself “broken”. I just didn’t care. It took me until I started watching a certain YouTuber when I was thirteen to learn that what I was feeling- or rather, not feeling- wasn’t a defect, it was just another way of being, as natural as being straight or gay.
Who is this YouTuber? Well… that’s a story for another time.
So I thought that as long as I had enough fulfilling familial and platonic relationships, romantic and sexual ones weren’t really as necessary as I had once believed.
And I was right.
The Present
Coming out as aro-ace to my parents was way easier than I thought it would be, especially my dad. Sure, my mom also pretty much accepted it right away, but my dad’s reaction in particular was surprising because as soon as I told him he said that it didn’t surprise him at all.
And that certainly gave me something to think about. Did he think that was why I was pretty much a loner for most of my childhood? Or did he just notice that I never talked about having or wanting a boyfriend (or even a girlfriend)? What did he mean by saying he wasn’t surprised? Maybe I’ll ask him later.
Now, I don’t like to brag, but I get hit on a lot by random guys. But of course I don’t want to bore them with a long explanation on why exactly I’ll never be into them, so I just say I’m not interested. I’ve gotten pretty lucky and these situations have never escalated beyond that. But even if I had the capacity for such attraction, I doubt I’d be won over by some rando who just came up and started talking to me. Or maybe I would applaud their boldness.
I often think about the extent to which my perception of romance is colored by me not being able to experience romantic attraction. I must confess that I’m one of those people who occasionally looks at two people that are clearly good friends and thinks “you know, they would be a cute couple”. I know such thoughts are sort of taboo on the Internet, but I’m not one of those people who will shove their shipping fanart in a content creator’s face. At least I have the common sense to keep such thoughts to myself.
You know, except for right now.
The Future
I’ve known for a long time that I’ll never get married and have children. And since that’s pretty much considered the ideal, or at least the default, in our society, I’m unsure what my living situation will look like in the future.
I’ve considered simply going through the motions, finding somebody to marry just to have an easier life with less financial strain, but I’m not sure I could do that. Simply put, a person who’s not aromantic and/or asexual will have expectations of me in such a relationship that I feel unable or unwilling to fulfill. I’d never want to deceive somebody like that.
Maybe since I’ll end up in a big city as a soon-to-be successful journalist (trust me), I’ll end up with a roommate. But right now I don’t have the connections for that sort of thing, so that’s a bit far into the future. It’s more likely that I’ll just have a very small apartment, since I don’t need much living space. I’ll be good enough at what I do that I can make quite a bit of money without spending much at all. Living on your own is hard from a financial standpoint, but not impossible.
And I consider myself lucky to have already internalized the (objectively correct) idea that no one type of relationship is more or less important than others, no matter what people say. I’m lucky to have a close relationship with my sibling and other family members, and I’ve made some friends here and there. Some friendships are short, some last a long time. But I feel that with the right support network, I’ll never be stuck in a position where I have nobody to help me and nobody to talk to.
I may spend a lot of time alone, but I’ll never be lonely.
Maybe by the end of the month I’ll also talk about my gender identity, since that’s a whole other conversation (not in an “LGB- drop the T” way, just that gender and sexuality are indeed different). Or maybe I’ll save that for next Pride Month. I have plenty of other things to write about in the meantime, after all.
But if you have any questions about what I’ve talked about today, feel free to let me know. Ask me just about anything; I don’t take offense easily.
Until then, happy Pride Month to you, and have a good day!
God, it feels good to write again.
Thanks so much for reading. Until next time, stay on the hook!
